God is still AWESOME!!! Reflections of 2013,,,

As the new year approached, I decided to fast and pray and reflect on 2013!!!!  A lot seemed to happen this year, but honestly I feel like I had no control. Moving to a Texas was out of my control, moving from Texas was out of my control, getting a great job had nothing to do with me, finding a Christian man who is really Christian had nothing to do with me and definitely starting this blog had nothing to do with me. When the year first started I listened to God's voice and jumped on a plane with not much of anything. Though to me it made no sense at all, I did it and was blessed beyond measures. Then God decided to send me a man, which I wasn't looking for, because honestly I had given up on dating, but there he was. It's funny because he was always there, I just never noticed him.We are good but whether we last or God wants him to only be my friend, I'm glad God sent him to me because it showed me there are still some good Christian men in the world who will treat you like a queen without you having to give up your Christian morals. I don't know where we are going but hey stay tuned!!! I learned one thing ladies that are reading you don't have to give a man your body just for him to stay and be faithful, God has more in store for you than that. I mean if you give a man everything why should he marry you, literally you have given him everything a wife would, so there is no title needed. Just my opinion though. Back to me then God said it was time to leave Texas, now I know why, but then I didn't. God saved me once again,but I'm glad I listened to his voice and moved back. I also thank God for Edward my car, who is a little bipolar but hey he runs. Then there's  my Gaga, who made it another year and honestly I didn't think she would. The doctors said plenty of times that she wouldn't but she did, which shows us God has the final say and well sorry docs your opinion is just that, an opinion. I also lost a love one due to tragic death and while I refuse to mention his and her name I must say this gave me the most grief for 2013. Only because during my prayers I knew it was going to happen but I was too late and that scared me. I was scared because first who am I that I must know anything like that and second why must I know. I still haven't heard from God on that one, I died inside over that, I had no peace of mind. Then I realized that fear comes from the enemy and well the enemy has no power over here so, I prayed hard and cried hard and fell to my knees hard and asked God to carry me through that time. God showed me so much in 2013 that I can't began to thank him enough. Something else I must mention, in 2013 I lost a friend, no tears lost, but I couldn't understand why. I prayed on it hard and then God showed me something, she wasn't a friend that was suppose to last. I'll tell you why, during my son's life, she was without a doubt my best friend, she was the only friend who called everyday, she made sure I ate, she made sure I laughed, she made sure I went out and she listened. I had other best friends but she took the lead role in that part of my life. I thank her, because she was exactly what I needed. When we had our first fight, I said let's try again, after the second one my spirit told me to let go. I continued to pray and it was shown to me that the friendship wasn't meant to last. Even though we don't speak I still pray for her and her family, I have no animosity towards her, because God gave me her at the right time and took her away at the right time and well God's timing is perfect. Another huge thing that happened is My Little Sister accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior, which I never expected but we went to a prayer circle and a lot was said and I'm glad I got to hear her story. I realized we all have a story to tell and though I always felt like I had to be more of her second parent, I can finally just be her sister. I know she has a long way to go but I know with Christ on her side she will find her way.
With all of that being said, I have no resolutions for the year to come that most people will have, mines is simple, it's to Wait on The Lord. I don't want to do anything in 2014 that God doesn't want me to. My book is finished and God has expanded my gift to even writing songs. Though I never thought about music, it's a door God has opened so why not. So while most folks will be getting turned up for the world in 2014, I'll be getting turned up for Jesus. I pray that you all seek God and allow him to manifest in your life. To my bffs I pray you take on the task I sent you seriously and to you all if it be in God's will I'll see you in 2014!!!

PS: I picked a bible verse that I will apply to my life for 2014 which is Psalm 27!!!! I am going to print it put and put it on my wall and say it everyday!!! Try it!!! Let me know which one you picked!!!! Thanks for following me through this year and I pray that God blesses all of you who are reading.

Jesus is the only reason for the season!!!

It's funny how for any holiday that doesn't have to do I with Christ remains untouched but when it has to do with Jesus the world wants to change it and give the holidays symbols for people to idolize over. Example, Christmas which is about the birth of Christ has somehow been turned into the world raising their children to worship and man in a suit and to buying expensive gifts half of us can't even afford. Another example Easter, which is about the crucification of Christ and him rising from the dead but somehow it has turned into worshipping bunnies and again buying expensive clothes half of us can't afford. The saddest part is most Christians are doing this and see nothing wrong with it. Does this behavior remind you of something, how about the children of Israel, when they worshipped idols and continued to disobey Gods word. No this isn't a long blog but I must say my fellow Christians let's celebrate in this season for the right reason, Jesus Christ. Our savior was born and without his grace and mercy where would we be? Let's give him the honor and the praise, he is worthy, he is the Alpha and Omega! HE is THE SON OF GOD and this season, while I am thankful for family and friends, I'm thankful for the birth of Christ even more!!! Glory be to God!!! Be blessed!!!!!

"Break Every Chain"

I haven't written a blog in a while, no particular reason, I work overnights, personal life and honestly I try not to write anything that God doesn't put on my heart. Lately my creative engine has been in full gear. I finished my book and I've even wrote a few songs. Now please understand I've been writing forever but I've never wrote a song and never thought I could, especially a Christian song, but God works in mysterious ways. For the past month in a half the song "Break Every Chain" has been in my head 24/7, to the point where I was getting tired of singing it. I couldn't figure out why it was in my head or was God trying to tell me something.

Let me start here in Texas it was easy to quick drinking and partying because it wasn't NYC, but I found out when I came back to NYC that it was much harder. Sometimes I found myself having a glass of wine or hanging out late on Saturdays knowing I had to be to church Sunday morning. Friendships that I cherish became burdensome. I found myself on the outside of my circle looking in?  I had to take time and pray and fast to understand what was happening. That's when that song popped in my head.

After days of praying and fasting, it hit me like a ton of bricks and the message was clear. I'M NOT WHO I USE TO BE and if I continued to try to be who I used to be the treasures that God has for me will be taken away. So I had to break chains of drinking, of partying, of doing everything that I know is wrong in Gods eyes. As the message settled in my mind I prayed hard for people who I knew I was leaving behind, not because I want to but because I knew that right now there lifestyle and my lifestyle were on two different levels. Not saying that they couldn't be in my life or that I wouldn't be there when they needed me but because Friday and Saturday nights are now different for me. I rather get drunk on Jesus then buy a bottle of wine, I find myself running after the word and dwelling in it.

The chains are broken for lust, depression, pain, addictions and so forth and my only prayer is that he delivers them as he has delivered me. With that being said, once I turned everything over to God that's when the songs came and the book got finished and I just can't stop writing. God has so much more for your life than you are allowing him to give because you have placed yourself in a this bubble that leads to nowhere. I'm not saying that being a Christian is a piece a cake because it's not but being a Christian just means that I trust God to get me through each and every situation. Do you trust him?

Wait I Have A Gift?

Before I got saved I was in church and I heard a member of the church speaking in tongues and of course I was like, what is he saying? I was like Lord am I not saved because I can't speak tongues and I can't understand it. As time went on I became frustrated because I couldn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, was I not deep enough in the spirit? Well while fasting and reading the Bible the other day I came across 1Corinthians 12:4-12:11 which reads:

"Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.  And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord.  And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all.  But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.  For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit; To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another [divers] kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues: But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will."

So I began to wonder well, what's my spiritual gift? I prayed on it and was like God I'm going to sit right here until I know, I won't let go until you touch me. So the first day passed, nothing, the second day, nothing, the third day nothing. I said, why I can't I know, is it a secret? So one day at work, a coworker came up to me saying she was tired of working and that she felt depressed and so forth and I said "Everything will be okay, everything works out for the goodness for The Lord" and I kindly walked away and she stopped me and said "you are such a blessing, your spirit is so welcoming and for some reason it makes me not want to be sad, like hope" I smiled and said thank you but in my head I was like "ME". Well this seems to happen to me a lot whether its through my blog or some random person in the street. It's never someone I know always someone I don't know. A lady once told me "your smile alone makes me feel like everything will be alright". So when I got home I pondered on everything that has ever happened to me, every unusual experience and I said well what do you call this gift that soothes the soul or that makes people feel that life can go on? Honestly I don't know, but the answer I got from God is "you must manifest in it". Now what does that mean, my fellow Christians? Does that mean there's levels to this gift? And who am I?  I'm just just me.

I say all of this to say what is your spiritual gift? Are you using it? Are you scared to use it? Are you letting it go to waste?  God gave us all different gifts to reach people in different ways. I'm still working on mine, I would love for it to evolve into the gift God wants it to be, or maybe this is it, maybe my writing or my smile or my words  that I speak is it. I don't know but I do know if I can bring just one person to Christ and he becomes saved then hey I am satisfied. Be blessed my brothers and sisters.

Brand New Me: OK I GET IT!!!!!!

Brand New Me: OK I GET IT!!!!!!: The past two weeks have been a spiritual rollercoaster for me. I found myself asking for guidance and reassurance about various situations. ...

OK I GET IT!!!!!!

The past two weeks have been a spiritual rollercoaster for me. I found myself asking for guidance and reassurance about various situations. Is he or is he not the one? Should I mend the friendship or close the door completely? Lord I feel myself being pulled in a different direction, should I or should I not go? 2weeks I battled, 2 weeks of constant confusion and honestly of losing patience. I was then invited to a Revival by a friend, I didn't expect to get much, just wanted to give God glory, I mean if I use to be able to go to the club every day of the week, why not the house of The Lord. Each day of Revival The Lord said to me "seek me and ye shall find me". Me being new in Christ I figured hey it's just the minister talking, nothing big. But the message got louder and louder "Seek Me And Ye Shall Find Me" I said ok I pray everyday no biggie. So by Saturday I was like ok Lord what's up? Because I had a meeting that left me feeling like do I belong here? Then I had a conversation with a friend about different denominations and how our churches are alike but the fact is we all believe that Christ died for our sins and rose again on the 3rd day. Even though to him it was just a casual conversation, the questions were sinking deep in my soul and I kind of wanted the conversation to be over with. By Sunday, the last day of the revival, I was spiritually in need of God to talk to me. As the Minister talked all I heard was, what I heard the other days " Seek me and ye shall find me" but then I heard a whisper and it said "I have to be put first before anything can come together" Then my friend was asked to come to the front of the church and I cried like I've never cried before. Tears of joy of course but I still felt like I needed to hear The Lord's voice. I still felt lost. So last night I got sick and was throwing up and was like what's wrong with me and again I heard "seek me and ye shall find me" I said I pray, what else am I suppose to do, geeezzzz? I then heard "no tv, no fb, no Instagram, no cellphone, no food, no water and you'll find me." No Instagram is the first thing I said lol. So I said ok, if it be in his will, fine. So I got up this morning turned off my phone, got on my knees and prayed and something said read the whole book of 1 Corinthians. I read it and cried all the way through it, fell on my knees again and asked God for forgiveness. I worshipped his name from 9am-12pm. Crying, glorifying him and thanking him continuously. I then said am I dating the right friend and I heard pray for your coworker, who I've only met once, I said ok Lord but I don't know how that helps me but fine. After awhile The Lord told me what I needed to hear not exactly what I wanted to hear though, but it was needed nonetheless. I say this to say if you want to hear from The Lord you have to seek him, praying isn't enough, you have to spend time with him and listen out for him. Don't get me wrong sometimes God tells you exactly what you need but most of the time we don't want to hear it, because as human beings we want what we want when we want it. I'm going to trust in The Lord and trust that what he has said to me today is for my good. There was a door he asked me to close that I have left open and I will do so even though I really don't want to. We are all promised a blessed life if we just put him first and trust him and walk the Christian walk, it won't be easy, it won't be everything we want but if we trust him then it will be EVERYTHING WE NEED AND MORE. OUR HEARTS DESIRES WILL BE GIVEN WITH TRUST OBEDIENCE AND PATIENCE!!!!! BE BLESSED!!!

Brand New Me: You Still Mad?????? Forgive & Move Forward

Brand New Me: You Still Mad?????? Forgive & Move Forward: Matthew 18:21-22 "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother  sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times...

You Still Mad?????? Forgive & Move Forward

Matthew 18:21-22 "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother  sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, until seventy times seven."

I must say forgiveness is probably some people's hardest task.  When someone hurts you emotionally, physically, or even mentally and sometimes financially it's hard to just accept the apology and move forward.  For some reason for me it's not that hard.  For me it's simple since finding Christ just apologize and move on but an apology for me doesn't mean the relationship will remain the same.  Yes I will still love you and care for you but from distance.  I think the hardest person to forgive in my life was myself.  Through various trials and tribulations I was so hard on myself because I allowed someone else's actions to determine my own.  I hold no grudges against anyone because God forgave me so many times who am I not to forgive.  At one point my best friend from hurt me, not purposely, but she did and for awhile I wouldn't talk to her, I had to pray on it because regardless of the situation she was and is my sister, so after she and I talked, finally, I still felt some type of way, I accepted her apology but I was still hurt.  Not until my son passed away I was able to walk in her shoes and I understood the pain and lost and so I decided that her and I should take a trip away and we did, to AC, where we laughed, prayed and cried and I must say that I'm glad God fixed it because I couldn't ask for a better best friend (Side Note: Just to be clear I love all of my best friends like my family), because she gives without questions and I love her like my sister to this day.  I've learned that forgiveness is a must and you can't live your life thinking cutting people off is the answer because you'll get to the point where you have cut off everybody and there is only you left.  I'm not saying allow people in your life that continuously hurt you, but I am saying forgiveness is not only for that person but for yourself.  Pretending someone didn't hurt you won't change the fact that they did.  Talk to them, reach out to them and maybe you can mend your relationship or maybe you won't but at least you'll have peace.  I mean I even forgave my son's father and I apologized to him because of the threats I gave out and how much I tried to make him suffer.  It wasn't up to me to do so, God is the only one who is in control and when we start taking matters into our own hands, things tend to spiral out of control. For God said "revenge is mine" but me being me with a very short temper blacked out but I regret it.  So I forgave him and I have no grudge against him, I mean it took awhile but I did it.  Most people would say why in the world would you do that, it wasn't for him it was totally for me. Now I'm at a point where he is happily married and I pray they are blessed and I'm happily dating someone and he wishes me the same because he has forgiven me.  With all of that being said, it's time I take my own advice.  When I started this blog, I didn't know how much info I wanted the world to know about me, but I realized my journey is my testimony, so I decided to just let it all out. As my close friends know, I was molested and emotionally abused as a child, which left me damaged and I've seen my abuser from time to time.  We would see each other and just walk pass each other like we never knew each other, but I'm finally ready to talk to him after almost 10 years of not speaking.  I'm not going to get some heartfelt apology but to tell him I forgive him and that he's in my prayers (I'll let you know how it goes).  I mean again I reiterate God has brought me from a mighty long way, the least I can do is forgive the people who have hurt me and move on with my life, because I know God has something great in store for me and I won't ever get it living in the past.  


May you all be blessed and remember the past is the past but if you're still mad then the past now effects you're future.

Brand New Me: Who Am I??????

Brand New Me: Who Am I??????: One day while I was on my way to work driving on I-10 in San Antonio, TX I seen something that scared me to death. Most people will think I&...

Who Am I??????

One day while I was on my way to work driving on I-10 in San Antonio, TX I seen something that scared me to death. Most people will think I'm crazy when I say what I saw and most will know exactly what it was. Sad part is I still don't know what to make of it.  So let me tell you what I saw, a dog.  Not just an ordinary dog though, it was a huge black German Shepard, that stood at least 7 foot tall. While I approached it, I watched all the other cars just simply go around it, while I was in complete awe that this dog was there. No one else seemed to notice or maybe they didn't care. I felt like I was the only person that seen it. The crazy part is the dog never moved, budged, not even his head, he just looked dead at me and I was scared to death. While I passed the dog his eyes followed me and then when I looked back in my rear view mirror he was gone. Now I've worked with psych patients most of my life, so maybe I was becoming psychotic. I couldn't explain this dog to anyone, I was lost for words and that is hard for me. Then things begin to happen and not for the good I must say. I felt like The devil was chasing me, because I had left NYC and I said I was over it and over dealing with family and I wanted my friends at a distance, as for dating it was NULL AND VOID. Texas was for me to finally have a peace of mind, so when the job offer came in at a great hospital with great pay I said let me check it out, I mean why not. Did the interview and got the job, that most people would die for, but I didn't want it. It wasn't that I didn't want the job, I didn't want to go back to NYC, because I'm still over NYC. So as i begin to make this transition, things begin to go wrong and I said great now I can stay in Texas. It felt the like the devil was trying to keep me in Texas while God kept making a way for me to get to NYC. So I finally dropped to my knees and said God let your will be done, ill go wherever you want me to go. I must say its hard giving up control of your own life, having faith beyond measures because you never know what's going to happen. Once the transition was made I realized I walked into chaos. Family was in disarray, friendships were over, finances were short and I said oh no Lord send me back to Texas because this right here, I don't have the time for. I was discouraged and I felt more lonely then than I ever felt in my life. I had to pray on it and I thought of Job in the bible where God allowed the devil to test him, which he did, but the devil wasn't allowed to touch his soul then everything hit my heart like a ton of bricks, I realized my move wasn't for me, it had nothing to do with me. Once I came back my little brother started going to church, my sister (who is on her own journey) got saved, I get to date the most wonderful man and on top of that I feel closer to my best friends more than ever. This journey to and from Texas molded me into the woman God needed me to be for him and everyone else. I say all of this to say. Will you trust him today? Even when it looks dark, even when you don't know the outcome, even if it hurts, will you trust him? We are so quick to lean to our own understanding or allow our feelings to get the best of us but will you lean on him? For I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know God is there already so need not to worry. Trust him in death, in low finances, in loneliness, in trouble times, when your friends don't pick up, when your relationship is rocky, when all you can do is cry, trust him, for the spirit of The Lord will never leave you. My journey back to NYC made me ask one question WHO AM I TO QUESTION GOD? *smiles*  Absolutely nobody!!!!!!!

Oops I Prayed For That??? My Bad

Like most people I grew up saying my prayers at meal times and at bed time. As I got older and got closer to God I found myself thanking God for everything from waking up to getting home safely, I even prayed for what I thought were the "bad things" because I figured everything was in Gods will. While sitting in church one day the Pastor was preaching from Matthew 7:7-8 KJV which says:

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: [8] For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

And like most people who read this I thought GREAT no worries!!! WRONG!!!!  Like I said the closer I got to Christ the more I prayed but I learned the term "be careful what you pray for" the hard way. I say this because one job that I prayed so hard for I got and when I got there I was miserable, a relationship I wanted to work so bad I prayed for just to be hurt, a friendship I wanted so bad to repair I prayed on just to not have the friendship in the end anyway. I learned that while it may not be in your best interest God may provide you with what you pray for just so you can see that its not what you need or even what. As human beings we tend to want what we want no ifs ands or buts about it, but we need to start asking God to give us what we need so we can become the people HE wants us to be. When God closes a door to relationships, friendships, jobs, or anything we must ask God to give us the strength to cope with the closed door, we shouldn't assume what God wants. Ask God for clarity and guidance. I've learned to not even question God and his decisions, I say "Lord let your will be done" and I go about my business. Don't get me wrong I forgive and I'll even apologize because forgiveness is a must but I do not reopen a door which is closed because honestly I'm too scared because God could of closed that door to save your life. Prayer is powerful and if you're not careful what you pray for may come to be then you got to pray to get you out of it. God is good and merciful, he never puts more on you than you can bear so pray for his undersranding and allow him to manifest in your life without your own two cent. For what you want so badly can sometimes bring you the most grief.

Chase The Spirit & Let Him Chase You!!!!

Like most women it took me all long time to learn my self worth. My first real boyfriend was at the age of 14, I can admit now that he was way too old for me and I should of been focusing on school and not cutting school to see him. At that point in my life I loved the thug, the hustler, the bad guy and I must say if I knew half of what I know now I wouldn't have gotten rid of the good guys that approached me. The pattern continued for years. I can honestly say that I played "the dummy" until the age of 29. My relationship before the last one was the worst because I wasn't even in a relationship but my heart believed so and the lies he told was sold to me so easily that now I kind of wanna preach on every corner to every young girl to throw her the warning signs. I guess we all have been played once in our life but I must say not until I started seeking God's approval did I realize "wait hold up I've been doing it wrong". After my last relationship I had a conversation with my Lord and said "that's it you win. Obviously I can't pick a good man if he was standing right next to me so I turn it over to you. I CLAIM CELIBACY." Yes I'm celibate and no I don't regret my decision. I can now date without clouded judgement of what I want things to be, I get to be courted and treated like I'm suppose to because I make it clear NO I DO NO NOTHING and I stand firm in that not only because I was tired, I don't want to disappoint God. I've learned to CHASE THE SPIRIT AND EVERY THING AND EVERYBODY WHO GOD WANTS IN MY LIFE WILL CHASE ME. As women when do you say enough is enough? When do you treat your body as your temple? A real man isn't living with you playing house, having you sleep over and go home in the morning, stringing you along with no titles, or making you cry or disappointing you. A real man makes you feel secure, he leaves no doubt in your mind about where you all are going, he has a plan and he is making that plan happen and if he truly wants to be with you he will wait. Know your self worth and remember God is the only man you should be chasing because when you CHASE GOD, ooh my beautiful Queens he will send you a King for your home and you'll wonder why you didn't take this path sooner. Be blessed

"All Other Ground is Sinking Sand" To the woman we call Gaga

The Bible was instilled in me since I was a child. My grandma (Gaga) sent me to Grace Christian Academy and had me in church every Sunday. Gaga never cared if I played outside with my friends but my behind was going to be in church singing on the choir, side note I can't sing, but she had me there anyway. I knew all of the books of the Bible, the 10 commandments, everything. I THANK HER. The Bible says train up a child in the way she should go and she shall never depart from it. I weep for our children today, they know every single Beyonce song but can't recite the Lord's Prayer. If it wasn't for my Gaga and Jesus of course, where would I be. As a child I had the best and experienced the worse. Don't pity me because I am blessed. My Gaga made sure I had the best clothing, the best teachers, the Bible and a childhood. As a child she was my best friend because only she knew the pain I was enduring. Siblings, family no one can understand our bond and Gaga never explained it to anyone. My Gaga knew what I was going through so every time I would visit her she would give me quarters to call her if I needed her, she called them "prayer quarters".  So at around 8 or 9 years old I would run out of the house at 2 or 3 in the morning crying and she would answer every time and I would say "Gaga would you ask Jesus to save us please, and can he hurry? Is he busy?" And she would pray and cry with me and say "Baby God is going to fix this, he may not come right now but he's always on time", which he did but by the time God stepped in I started to rebel. During my rebellious stage all Gaga would say is "Pam you know better and I'm disappointed". Regardless of what I was doing or where I was going the spirit followed because I know my Gaga had me all prayed up. Of course I started discovering Jesus for myself, which is great. I thank God for entering my life but I thank God for my Gaga for starting the pathway. I grew up with Jesus on my side and he has never left me even when I thought I was alone, even when I was running the streets clubbing, cursing, fighting and acting a pure fool. I write this to say what's wrong with your child knowing the Bible?  Rap artist, R&B artist and anything or anyone can't save your child in his or her darkest hour but Jesus can. I pray you teach your child prayers before bedtime or receiving a meal or the Psalm 23 because in the end no one and I mean NO ONE can save them but the Lord himself.

Thank you Gaga because without you laying the solid foundation I would be lost or worse dead. Now I stand on that foundation and "all other ground is sinking sand" BE BLESSED MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS!!!!!

BOTTOMS DOWN!!!!

Most people know me as the drinker of the crew. In my college years I could out drink anyone.  I had no favorite drink anything you can think of I had it. I guess people would wonder how can I drink and be alright the next day or how could I drink without eating anything. I guess I can tell you why. My first drink was given to me at the age of 9 by my father, who was a chronic alcoholic, but one day I was jumping around like a crazy child and he gave me some Old English beer, which made my behavior worse because then I thought Freddy Kruger was on my wall and I was paranoid. After that I didn't have another drink til I was 18yrs, but mind you I had been clubbing since the age of 14, being grown, so I was always around the drinking and grown folks. By the time I got to college I was a full blown drinker. I carried drinks in my purse, I would get drunk before the club then get more drinks in the club. Only by the grace of God am I alive because honestly I hardly remember any of those parties, that's how much I use to drink. I would have black outs, people would have to carry me out of the club it was crazy. I would be urinating everywhere even in my exes bed. I know most of you are saying WE ALL DID THAT? Well it doesn't make it right or even cute. As I started to get older I noticed that drinking led to arguments between my friends and I and even some family members. Of course I've mended all of those relationships but I ask myself would these arguments have occurred if we were sober. Probably not. I found myself feeling guilty after a night of drinking. I couldn't understand why, I mean was one drink going to kill me? Then I realized one drink turned into two drinks then three drinks and by the time I realized it I had drunk the whole dorn bottle. Well once I came back to Texas after my birthday I was going to buy me a bottle of wine because I had major decisions to make and was very confused with the choice of staying in Texas or moving back to NYC, but while in the aisle of wine something walk away Pam. I said here we go again with the voices. I said its just a bottle of wine and as I reached for the bottle it fell, something came over me standing in the middle of Walmart and I decided I was over drinking, I was over blacking out, I was over needing a drink every time I was stressed, I was over giving my cares to the bottle and not Jesus. I'm not here to judge anyone that drinks, because who am I to judge anyone but I will say instead of the bottle try Jesus because the bottle is only going to last you until you finish it but God's mercy is everlasting and u can't buy that with a 20.00 bottle of wine, beer, liquor anything. God can cure any addiction you just need trust him.

COME ON!!! REALLY?? I DONT WANNA DO THAT

Like most people I had a million dreams as a child. First I wanted to be a doctor, then a teacher, then a lawyer and so on and so on. By the time I was ready to go to college I was clueless. I was young and dumb and I really didn't care about my major. All I wanted to do was party so I picked psychology and I must say I HATED IT so I switched to philosophy and I loved it because I love messing with the human brain but I couldn't focus so I dropped that and finally majored in English, ill tell you why. I took Speech like every freshman and my professor was moved by me, why I don't know but I had to create my own poem and when I say by the time I was finished everyone was just staring the professor said "Ms.Jackson whats your major?" I replied nothing because I don't know what I wanna do. He goes "well Ms. Jackson your new major is English." I looked at him like I was crazy I said English how is that gonna get me a Range Rover? He just laughed. I rocked out with English and loved it. After awhile I got bored and decided to focus on Nursing but something kept blocking it, I also considered Social Work but said who wants to be broke. I was accepted into the best programs and I knew I wanted my DNP but something always distracted me.  Plus if you know me I love the nice clothes and expensive bags but I couldn't focus on nursing.  Then God stepped in.  After moving to Texas I met a woman who was my neighbor, she would ask me to drive her to the store and little things like that.  One day she was telling me how stressed she was and the next thing I knew I was giving my testimony. When we finally got to her house I looked over to tell her bye and she was CRYING!!! I said what is wrong with you? She said you are my blessing, God sent you to me. All I could say was oh God is good and I pulled off. I was scared and I went home and prayed because something was wrong, I had never gave a testimony before and when i said I was scared, man listen I WAS SCARED. As time went on I found myself quoting the gospel and comforting folks who I never met. Then while at work one day looking at nursing programs something said no and I found myself looking at Social Work programs. THEN JOY HIT MY HEART AND I HAVEN'T LOOKED BACK SINCE. The point of this blog was to say if you keep hitting a brick wall in life maybe God has another plan for you. Pray on it, stay in his word because his word is true. You may not want to do what you're called to do but eventually God's plan will fall into place whether you like it or not. Be not discouraged for God has promised you a prosperous life all you have to do is trust him.

I WON'T COMPLAIN

I've never been a blogger nor have I ever wanted to blog, I always felt it was for people who had too much time on their hands.  Now here I am blogging.  Most of the people who know me don't know me, they wish they did but they don't then they become shocked behind the things that I do.  So here I am wide open.  I guess my reason for finally blogging just came to me out of no where.  Lately I have been working on becoming the best Christian woman that I can be.  Lord knows it hasn't been easy.  My journey towards Christ hasn't been best because when I say I was the main one in the club, in little dresses, living it up believe it.  I partied from Sunday to Sunday non-stop drinking just acting crazy passing out drunk with no regrets.  I was in a so called relationship with someone who wasn't in a relationship with me but just a little bit of his time was satisfying enough for me.  I was quick to cut you or choke you out depending on how drunk I was.  Then God decided that it was time for me to slow down and I became pregnant.  Well that's when everything changed.  What people don't tell you is once you become pregnant your selfish ways tend to leave you.  I was in bliss even though his father wasn't.  The crazy part is that even though he kept denying his child spending time with him never ceased, even though the crazy ex called me ranting and raving our relationship never ceased.  Most people believed it did because that's what I told them, because I knew I was being stupid.  As women we tend to love the men who are no good and throw away the ones that are great.  I believe God wasn't happy with my decisions.  My son's father had a hold on me that I couldn't shake, it was like voodoo.  Well on January 15, 2012 the spell was broken, I gave birth to my son, Jonah Thomas Jackson.  He was premature, 1 pound 4 oz.  What most people don't know is I knew he was coming early, I just never told anyone.  One night while I was sleep I had a dream I was in a terrible storm just me no one else and I heard a boy screaming mommy, mommy I need you to get ready.  That dream stays with me until today. So when Jonah aka Jojo was born I was ready.  I didn't know how tedious the roller coaster would be but I knew it was coming.  I prayed with him everyday, read the bible to him everyday and even though he fought as hard as he could to survive he got tired and passed away on July 12, 2012.  People still don't understand the journey and how God brought me through, see I know Jonah was an angel, there is no doubt in my mind.  I was lost and in a bad relationship and keeping company that I shouldn't have been but God found a way to block me from future hurt and pain that was coming if I kept on my same path.  After Jonah's death I pretty much continued going to church, left his father and started dating again.  I realized I never gave myself time to breath.  It was like I was craving for affection from a man, the wrong men at that, when I should of been seeking Jesus attention.  Well one night while laying in bed watching TV something hit me and said TEXAS.  I was scared out of my mind but couldn't tell no one because everyone would of thought I was crazy.  I ignored it and it hit me again TEXAS I looked up and said "Jesus are you playing".  For some reason I called up my best friend Meeka and went on to visit her in Texas.  Now I must say Texas is nothing like I imagined, I actually liked it and from that visit on I planned my move to Texas.  Then the devil stepped in and sent me a man who I thought was the one who turned out to be two tons of crazy.  Being with him I reconsidered Texas until the fool bit me on the face then pretended that he was dead and resurrected.  That was it for me, I was done dating, I was done with NYC and most of all I was done not letting Jesus be the head of my life.  So I left NYC moved to Texas and I've been here since.  I left NYC with nothing no job no car no nothing.  I let Jesus take the wheel and drive  the car.  I worried about nothing and God provided me with 3 three jobs 2 cars and a nice apartment.  Still no man though lol but I've learned a man should seek his wife so I'm not looking for anybody he'll find me in due time and if not hey well there's always artificial insemination right lol.  Well this is the past of me, I invite you to take this journey with me on becoming a better Christian woman, give me feedback, laugh with me, cry with me, grow with me.  I've learned that even though I've been through a lot there are people who have been through much worse, so I won't complain.